Yes, it's that time of year again when the silly season gets even
sillier when right-thinking Christians impose on the rest of us how we
ought to be spending a pagan holiday. Such as the above gift idea for
that gun-clutching relative every family has and pretends to tolerate
every Christmas. And what better way to silence blasphemous liberal
tongues calling for background checks and national registries than to
figuratively shoot their tongues off with these semi-auto ice cubes?
Imagine the looks on your liberal relatives' faces when they look into
their drinks and see this baby bobbing up and down like a murder weapon
that just won't go away! To quote Emeril, "Can I freshen your drink?
Continuing our theme of NRA-themed holiday gifts, how about this fabulous Millennial clock
from the official NRA store that features not only the time and 2nd
Amendment but also conceals a small- to medium-sized handgun? Not only
does this fine, furniture-grade accessory conceal weapons and tell the
time, the built-in alarm even chimes every time a militia group
announces a coup against the government, which is about 12 times a day.
Moving on, when having 33 rounds in a ridiculously extended clip just isn't enough, there's this baby...
...in case you still can't hit your target from point blank to
medium-range 33 times in a row and need to get even closer for that
eye-to-eye debate with anyone who even just looks at you funny, as they
likely will after you miss them with 33 shots in a row. Yes, that is a
mini bayonet for a Glock 9mm handgun. Now, finally, good guys with guns
may actually do some damage when they throw their empty gun at someone!
As proof that we haven't even come close
to peak oil, there's this Tim Taylor-inspired monstrosity
to consider for the back yard chef of the family: A 345 horsepower,
5.7-liter V-8 HEMI engine-powered grill wrapped up in 330 feet of
stainless steel. With the V-8 engine, you can get about 30 hot dogs per
gallon and the nearly 350 ponies will flash-fry a herd of buffalo in
three minutes flat. Yes, the tyranny of clean-burning propane's now a
thing of the past, guys. Who cares about the exhaust and what's a little
global warming among friends, right?
Who coined the phrase, "No pain, no gain"?
Now, thanks to fine retailers like this one
one can sport tough-looking tattoos without actually experiencing the
pain of getting them. For less than $7.50 an arm, you, too, can look
like you belong to a South Central LA street gang or survived multiple
prison shower rapes. Perfect for that conservative brother or son in law
who wants to look bad-ass yet just can't seem to get over that
childhood fear of needles.
In case you're averse to Black Friday or going to the mall, there's always eBay
And as long as there's eBay, why not get something else for that
Obama-hating conspiracy theorist in the family such as these
skeet-shooting Obama targets?
And, just in case you have an Obama-hater in the family but one who's
passive-aggressive, there's this Obama Urinal target also for sale on eBay
for less than two and a half bucks!
What would Christmas be without having a spirited debate about inert
bundles of cells with your church lady aunt? She can now win any
abortion debate at the dinner table simply by hanging this grotesque,
heavily-veined ornament of a fetus too young to enjoy Christmas. Yes,
it's part of the Pro-Life Crusader Christmas Tree Ornament
line! And we all know the original definition of the word crusader
don't we? "Adopt my extremist Christian views, heathen, or I will turn
you into a rotting corpse." Amen!
Got a misguided, lib'ral-minded youngster in the house? Then give
the adorable but ideologically-crippled little tyke this really big Ted
Cruz coloring book from Really Big Coloring Books
! Yes, this masterpiece of children's literature joins "Rapey" Rush Limbaugh's factual historical account
of the talking horses and cell phones of the American Revolution by
edumacating impressionable minds about the evils of ObamaCare. Yes, in
this "non partisan" coloring book, Tailgunner Ted and his shiny super
suit reminds our nation's future that America is a Christian nation,
that providing health care to those who want it is bad business and that
ObamaCare is the greatest scourge since... well, since ever
! (The first 1000 who order will get a box of free crayons. Unfortunately, they're all white and flesh tone.)