"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast"
-Oscar Wilde		 Brilliant at Breakfast title banner "The liberal soul shall be made fat, and he that watereth, shall be watered also himself."
-- Proverbs 11:25
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"I came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum." -- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper (1954-2015), They Live
Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Dispatch from Casa La Brilliant: The Aftermath
Posted by Jill | 10:57 PM
I heard this gorgeous song on Pandora today and have been pretty much a mess the rest of the day. Antoine Dufour, Song for Stephen:



I am probably going to spin off further posts about this new life I'm trying to live into a different blog. It may be public, it may be by invitation. I'll let you all know if I decide to make it by invitation only and you'll be able to request and invitation. But I think that further episodes of the Deeply Personal don't really belong here.

I've gone back to work this week. I think it's good for me, it gets me back to something that passes for normal, it eliminates that irrational raw gnawing fear that they'll forget I work there, and it gets me back into the land of the living. My colleagues have been wonderful. This bunch that balks at gift cards for our administrative assistants raised $420 for the Ramapo-Bergen Animal Refuge, FOCAS, and the Bladder Cancer Advocacy Network. I've been pretty much OK this week until I heard the song posted above. Sure, I get a bit weepy, especially when I get home after work, but all things considered I've been OK. But tonight I was driving home and a massive wave of grief just washed over me just as I was getting on 287 north and it was as if the words I WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN were written in fire on a two-by-four that was delivered soundly to the bakc of my skull.

It's a grief tinged with rage, because in a moment of madness last night I decided to listen to some of the recordings I made of medical appointments we went to. In a way, having these recordings make Mr. B. seem not quite so gone because his voice is still there. But it also underscores that concept of "NEVER". Where the rage comes in is just how often the word "hydration" appears, no matter who is talking -- Dr. Chess Club talked about hydration. Dr. Endearingly Nerdy Brain Doctor talked about hydration. The radiotherapy nurse talked about hydration. The oncologist talked about hydration. Hydration hydration hydration, and Mr. B. simply would not do it. In his last few conscious days, he developed a hankering for tomato juice, and went through two 64-ounce bottles in three days; probably 4-5 bottles during that last week. I argued with him that this was not hydration, but he insisted that he was allowed to have juice, and after thirty years, I knew that the more I dug in my heels the more tomato juice he would drink. It is a thing you guys seem to always do and it makes us nuts. So tonight the crying jags are not just about the grief that's really starting to hit now, but they also have an element of YOU DUMBASS...IF YOU HAD JUST HAD SOME GODDAMN WATER YOU'D STILL BE HERE.

I hate this.

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9 Comments:
Blogger elizabeth said...
I hear you. It is awful. Big hug from Seattle. And, yes, they do that and it makes me crazy too.
10/16/13, 11:55 PM  
Blogger Tom said...
I read often, but rarely comment. But you've been in my thoughts very often since I read the sad news. Words are inadequate. It sucks. I wish there were more we all could do. This is a lonely time, but there are a lot of folks who are pulling for you.
10/17/13, 2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
what tom said.
10/17/13, 4:03 PM  
Blogger Batocchio said...
Thinking of you.
10/17/13, 11:36 PM  
Blogger Beleck said...
ouch, people out here do care, and we are listening to you, we hear you.
10/18/13, 12:28 AM  
Blogger Beleck said...
yes , we hear you. and it sucks at times. we care, too.
10/18/13, 12:30 AM  
Blogger driftglass said...
Thinking of you too, Jill.
In our prayers down here.
10/18/13, 2:39 PM  
Blogger driftglass said...
You and yours are in our prayers, Jill.

10/18/13, 2:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
I am so sorry for your loss. I lurk here frequently and have for years. Following your personal struggle has be heartrending.
10/18/13, 10:05 PM  
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