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Sunday, July 15, 2012

Dear Imaginary Senator Shannon
Posted by jurassicpork | 11:50 AM

Dear Senator Shannon:

I have heard through the vast left wing conspiracy (aka the liberal media) that you had dropped out of Iowa's 34th senate district when it was apparent no one wanted you for that elected office and have, instead, crowned yourself a Senator of the brand new Republic of the united States of America. No doubt, this is why no one would've voted for you for the Iowa state senate because they were hoping you'd pursue a higher, national office or one for which you're much more suited: An imaginary one with no actual responsibilities.

This audaciously brilliant action, in creating a fictional country out of whole cloth to replace the actual one that's been in power for the last 236 years and making yourself a RotUS Senator is very reminiscent of when Napoleon crowned himself Emperor Napoleon I on 2 December 1804 at Notre Dame de Paris (with the obvious exception that Napoleon had an actual, recognized country to run as dictator). Indeed, have we not done this as children, to sulk when we did not get picked for sides and to take our ball and go home or try to start a rival game with our imaginary playmates?


And the curiously capriciously-capitalized Republic of the united States of America joins a long list of other fictional countries such as Michele Bachmann's Soviet Union, John McCain's Czechoslovakia and the United States of Earth in the cartoon, Futurama.

And the "U" in united States of America should not be capitalized as long as there are stupid, closed-minded liberals who insist on restricting their ken to the real, true and tangible (i.e. sane thinking). At first, when I read this story in the viciously liberal Raw Story, I feared that you were the only person in America smart enough to hit upon the fact that had been missed or ignored by countless thousands of history scholars that the US hasn't existed since the start of the Civil War.

And then I went to your imaginary country's official website and was overjoyed to hear that other real, actual people have joined your Ron Paulesque Tea Party and have similarly appointed themselves as unelected officials (which is certainly as democratic as one could get). Namely, New Mexico of Gondal Governor Kerry Shahan and United Arizona Governor Hal Epperson.


Not only that, we have also had since 2010 a Commander in Chief, Republic President James Timothy Turner (who delivered a stirring "speach" in some conservative blogger's parents' basement or perhaps Michele Bachmann's bunker that she uses to hide from teh gays). He'd said at the beginning of his speach that he'd been in contact with other governments (perhaps Gondal's, Narnia's or a resurrected Soviet Union's) and this is heartening news. The next step is in making the Republic a reality and set up a Treasury so we can get the poor president a podium to speak behind and perhaps even a necktie since he's exhausted his personal funds on ID cards for the citizenry and Brylcreem.

And now, we have a Congress and even a judiciary named Nathan Peachy who may soon actually render a verdict from the back room of the Lazy Dog Bar and Grille in Scranton. Huzzah!

Once we learn how to fund the government without those pesky taxes and to protect our nonexistent borders with an actual military (I hear state militias and some good ole boys at various Rod'n'Gun clubs also have a problem with the legitimacy of our so-called government that had foisted off on them and their patriotic ancestors a regulated police force, roads, bridges and highways, Social Security, Medicare and other various and sundry tyrannies), then we'll be a force to be reckoned with.

In the meantime, I'll create more tinfoil hats so as to increase my reception the next time our beloved Chief Executive issues a communique through UStream at Michele's concrete bunker.

Patriotically yours,

Jurassicpork
Pottersville Territories
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