TIME'S 100 MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE
APRIL 24, 2012

SPEAKER: STEPHEN COLBERT

MR. STEPHEN COLBERT: Thank you, very much. Lovely.

Good evening, and congratulations my fellow influencers. How is everyone feeling this evening?

Oh, come on, you could do better than that? Look at this room. Look at this people. Look at the view. You are the TIME 100, and we are better than other people. I'll say it, it's just us chickens. No one is live blogging this, right? You're on your honor. And I don't know about you, but it is such a relief to be away from the kind of riffraff who aren't influential enough to make the list. People like the Pope and Oprah. The Poprah.

You know, it's actually a bit dangerous to have this many influential people in the room. What if something should happen? It would wipe out the world's supply of influence. That's why some members of the TIME 100 are not here tonight, we have sequestered Warren Buffett and Viola Davis and in an undisclosed location in case we need to repopulate the world with influentialness.

That's right, Warren Buffett made the list. You know, who didn't? His secretary. That's why he gets to pay less in taxes, he earned it.

But we're not just icons tonight. According to TIME, we are also breakouts, and pioneers, moguls, and leaders. So remember, tonight, don't forget for mingle outside your category. Moguls, hook up with the pioneers, see if you can make a monguneer.

It would be fun to watch. I don't want to brag, but I happen to be on the list for the second time. Anybody else? Show of hands? Anybody else, the second time? We are an elite club. One more and we get a free hoagie.

Secretary Clinton was on the list for theseventh time. She had to leave earlier. Still is an honor to have met her. She's a feminist icon, a role model for so many women. Like the one young woman here tonight who bravely stepped into the media spotlight this year, and was immediately labeled a slut. I'm talking, of course, about Chelsea Handler.

Chelsea, you handled that with such poise. The horrible, horrible things that were said about you, tramp,gutter skank, and a lot of those were you talking about yourself. Brava, madam, you're a feminist icon.

Also, Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke is here tonight. Also an instant, instant feminist icon. Famously tested, testified before Congress, that Georgetown, a Catholic institution,should be required to provide insurance coverage for her birth control.

Now, TIME 100 honoree, his eminence Timothy Cardinal Dolan disagrees -- sir, lovely to see you again.

Of course, now some, some critics have said in response to this that if the Catholic church's insurance does not cover Sandra Fluke's birth control, it shouldn't cover Cardinal Dolan's Viagra.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, that's called celibacy plus. That's how the pros do it. Because chastity is one thing, but it shows true commitment to uphold your vows when you are sporting a crook you could hang a miter on. Oh, wow, see you at mass on Sunday, sir?

I hope he doesn't become Pope.

I'm a Catholic, it's okay. I go to confession, it will be fine. Thank you.

And I am so happy that the TIME 100 included a true Christian role model this year, his holiness Tim Tebow. Is he here? Is Tim Tebow here, anyplace? Is he not?

Well, that just proves that they really should've put Jesus on the list because, according to Tim, he did all the work, and you know, you know Jesus would have shown up to this dinner. Jesus loves Louie CK. He does, Louie. Jesus loves you. And he is always standing before you. And he's waiting for you. Open the door. Let him in, Louie. Let Jesus in.

He'd also like to you masturbate less, or at least stop talking about it publically. You have children. Okay, would you think about it? Okay.

Of course, all of us should be honored to be listed on the TIME 100 alongside the two men who will be slugging it out in the fall: President Obama, and the man who would defeat him, David Koch.

Give it up everybody. David Koch.

Little known fact -- David, nice to see you again, sir.

Little known fact, David's brother Charles Koch is actually even more influential. Charles pledged $40 million to defeat President Obama, David only $20 million. That's kind of cheap, Dave.

Sure, he's all for buying the elections, but when the bill for democracy comes up, Dave's always in the men's room. I'm sorry, I must have left Wisconsin in my other coat.

I was particularly excited to meet David Koch earlier tonight because I have a Super PAC, Colbert Super PAC, and I am -- thank you, thank you -- and I am happy to announce Mr. Koch has pledged $5 million to my Super PAC. And the great thing is, thanks to federal election law, there's no way for you to ever know whether that's a joke.

By the way, if David Koch likes his waiter tonight, he will be your next congressman.

Craig Newmark is here someplace. Craig Newmark, there you are, Craig. Nice to see you again, my friend, founder of Craig's List, recent TIME 100 honoree.

This year Craig's List made the decision to no longer accept prostitution ads. It was the right thing to do, though, of course -- no, give it up, it was the right thing to do. Though, of course, it was hard on the Secret Service.

They left with Secretary Clinton, right? Good. Okay.

Of course, the founder of Huffpo, AriannaHuffingpo, is here, looking down on all of us lowly TIME 100s, as she silently strokes her new Pulitzer in her mind.

Interestingly enough, the Pulitzer Committee did not give out an award for fiction this year, which is surprising since both Rumsfeld and Cheney released their memoirs.

Fans of those books, are you?

Arianna, of course, is at the fun table. She's sitting with Elie Wiesel, always a good time. I want to party with you, cowboy, or at least look for meaning in a Godless universe. Either way, I'll be drunk.

One of my favorite comedians Kristen Wiig is here tonight.

Kristen, congratulations on the TIME 100. Lovely to see you.

Her movie, Bridesmaids, huge success, andproved once and for all to the Hollywood boys club that women can have explosive diarrhea, too.

You are a feminist icon. Brava, madam.

But perhaps the most influential person on the list is here, Sara Blakely. The inventor of the Spanx. Give it up.

No one, no one has done more to control women's bodies, except maybe Cardinal Dolan.

Cardinal, congratulations, sir, you are afeminist icon.

Anyway, it is a true honor for all of us to be on the list, and a great business decision by TIME because given the state of the publishing industry, this might be the only way to guarantee selling 100 issues of a magazine this week.

Oh, and thank -- for the first timers, remember to keep your TIME 100 pins, it gets you 15 percent off of any hot entree at participating Applebee's.

Thank you, everyone. Congratulations to you all, and good night.