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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Top Ten Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure

Earlier this week, former Vice President Richard B. Cheney underwent major heart surgery. The ex VP suffers from an aggressive and progressive form of congestive heart failure. Besides fluid build-up, cardiologists discovered 10 other causes for Mr. Cheney's congestive condition. What were they?

  • 10) 4.1 ounces of pus, the result of an allergic reaction to having anything progressive within him.

  • 9) Infestation of the spirits of all the soldiers whose lives Cheney would've saved in Vietnam had he not used all five of his deferments.

  • 8) The semi-digested pinkie of an Iraqi orphan lodged in left ventricle.

  • 7) A stubbornly unfulfilled contract with Satan with loopholes circled by David Addington and signing statements by Cheney.

  • 6) The last fail-safe measure installed in 2002 by BP and Halliburton.

  • 5) A .41 caliber silver bullet fired at Cheney 130 years ago by Van Helsing.

  • 4) A calcified conscience.

  • 3) Pressure from a second, larger heart originally belonging to his vestigial twin, the Grinch.

  • 2) Splinters from a stake pounded into Cheney's chest ca 1890 by Dr. Harken.

  • 1) Congestive fluid actually emulsified, condensed, pure, soul-warping, 200 proof, weapons-grade evil.
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    Anonymous mandt said...
    They say he lives now, without a heart pulse....So, new?