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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Top Ten Reasons To Keep Gay Marriage Illegal

Posted by Jill | 5:21 AM

Here in New Jersey, there's a rush on to see if Jon Corzine can sign a legal gay marriage bill before the homophobic (or just craven) Chris Christie takes office in January. Here are some things both these men should think about, courtesy of ModFab:

THE TOP TEN REASONS TO MAKE GAY MARRIAGE ILLEGAL
Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed, like many of the principles on which this great country was founded: women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of marriages like Britney Spears’ 55-hour, just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry, because our orphanages aren’t full yet and the world needs more children.
Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
Gay marriage will change the foundation of society, and we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Labels: gay rights, humor

2 comments

2 Comments:

Terry Pierson said...

Hilarious.

11/10/09, 10:47 AM

Charlie O said...

I have not heard from any quarter thus far a legitimate reason for continuing to deny gays the right to marry. What anyone else does or doesn't do with regard to their living arrangements, marital status, whatever has ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING BEARING on my existence. Nuff said. Everyone has the right to be miserable. Even gays. Why should straight men be the only ones in America that have to give up half their stuff?

11/10/09, 2:38 PM