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Friday, February 10, 2012

"We outnumber the stupid people."

If there was a Purple Heart for journalists, my first nominee would be Charles Pierce for taking for the team not one not two but many, many slings and arrows of outrageous wingnuttery in his ongoing coverage of CPAC. It's kind of the equivalent of sending a batter out there when the starting pitcher and the entire bullpen is gunning for him or a lone commando behind enemy lines. And the dispatches from the front lines at the Marriot Waldman Hotel in Washington (thereby giving a breather to the poor bastards at the Omni Hotel) read like something by Hannah Arendt from Nuremberg only with more laughs.

And in a way, CPAC, as always, is sort of like a trial, a trial for Romney, Santorum and Newt Gingrich who just keeps burying himself deeper and deeper into the campaign like a starving Alabama tick no matter many times Republican voters use alcohol and tweezers on him. It's like a kangaroo court for liberalism or any ersatz simulacrum condemned as liberalism. CPAC is always like an inverted Nuremberg, with the Party of Personal Responsibility playing the Nazi defendants. Imagine what Nuremberg would've been like if the Nazis had somehow taken control of the courtroom then condemned the Jews and the American military tribunal in absentia after bunkering themselves in. That's essentially what CPAC is: a gilded sub-Reichstag bunker with 5 star food and chandeliers. And endless entertainment.

In election years, it's also a parade for also-rans, the poor retarded kids at the year-end Special Olympics banquet who came in 8th in a field of 8 yet got an identical little plastic trophy as if that's just as good as the presidency that's getting smaller and smaller in their front windshield (I know I'm mixing metaphors but like the Republicans at CPAC, I haven't got the time to be coherent or metaphorically consistent).

The title of this post comes straight from Herman Cain, aka the Simple Pieman, who claims that not only do Republicans outnumber the stupid people (presumably liberals and others who refuse to vote Republican, you know, those who love having biology dictated to us, endless wars and tax cuts for the 1% at the same time our jobs are outsourced and UI benefits negotiated in favor of more tax cuts for the 1%), but Cain had to remind the attendees they had to "outsmart us." You know, the stupid people.

Herman, you see, knows exactly how many stupid people there are because, as he said, "Trust me, I counted 'em." Herman took the stage, nattily attired in his trademark piss-yellow tie cinched around a hair shirt while whining about why he got railroaded from what was already a Three Stooges version of a presidential campaign. We heard something we'd never heard before: He dropped out to spend more time with his family. You know, the wife and kids who'd applauded Cain from the back seat with alacrity every time he tried to pull a Newt, that is get a blow job in a car.

Onward, unChristian soldier:

Rick Perry then got up in this parade of Hasbeens. Obviously forgetting the 3rd Amendment, he skipped ahead to his old standby love doll the 10th and said that if we can't honor the 10th Amendment then we should just "strip it out of the Constitution."

Michele Bachmann, while hubby Marcus was leering at busboys and parking valets in their smart little red vests, got up, her gaffe factory now fully automated and churning out hilarious Stengle-isms on all three shifts. Apparently, she has a problem with Mr. Obama feeling the need early in his presidency to go on a worldwide apology tour while screaming that "we will not apologize!" Which is the same thing as saying that not only does she still favor Bush, but that we should not apologize for murdering and torturing Iraqis and using extraordinary rendition and send them to places like her beloved Egypt to be tortured by proxy.

Yeah, that Egypt, old foe of her other BFF the Israelis. Obama's unfit to be president because apparently he had a problem with climbing into bed with the comatose Ariel Sharon and blowing him while AIPAC stood around at bedside and cheered. It doesn't matter that Obama is in reality doing what he does best and stands around saturninely clucking his tongue and looking the other way while Israel makes good use of our $3 billion a year by loading nukes on their bombers to use on Iran this year.

But if you want reality and the truth, going to CPAC makes about as much sense as going to a whorehouse to learn about abstinence and virtue.
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