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Wednesday, February 02, 2011

The Insane Clown Posse is in Town

In case you haven’t been paying attention or are trying (understandably) to block it from your memory, the annual CPAC conference is going to be at the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel in Washington from February 10-12th. Among the confirmed speakers:

Rep. Michele Bachmann, Inspiration for the Who’s “suicidal psychopath.”
Gov. Haley Barbour, bloated racist
Hon. John Bolton, group sex-loving psychopath
Andrew Breitbart, lying, racist psychopath
Ann Coulter, anorexic, Islamophobic closet trangender psychopath
Hon. Newt Gingrich, Islamophobic, chronically unemployed psychopath
David Horowitz, Liberals on the campus-fearing psychopath
Sen. Mike Lee, unregulated child labor loving psychopath
Sen. Mitch McConnell, human sawhorse, do nothing racist
Rep. Ron Paul “Please Love Me, Conservatives!”
Sen. Rand Paul Civil rights hating, mountaintop removal loving psychopath
Hon. Tim Pawlenty, Defund ACORN even though they don’t get funds from Minnesota
Gov. Rick Perry, Molly Ivins’ “Governor Goodhair”, secessionist loving psychopath
Hon. Mitt Romney, “Don’t hate me because I mandated health care in Massachusetts.”
Hon. Donald Rumsfeld "We know where they [WMD] are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat."
Hon. Rick Santorum, Admitted snuggling dead fetuses years before George W. Bush.
Phyllis Schlafly, Ancient conservative artifact, personal friend of Clare Booth Luce, farts dust
Rep. Allen West, Gun shooting, disgraced Lt. Col of a psychopath

Sounds like the DSM IV come to life, doesn’t it? Let’s take a look at some of the scheduled events:

Schedule of Events
Introduction: David A. Keene, American Conservative Union CONFIRMED
10:00 Secrets to Landing a Conservative Job – Wilson AB

Oh, so only conservatives need jobs, now? And what, exactly, is “a conservative job”? Selling toxic mortgage-backed securities? Holding public office that enables those who sell toxic mortgage-backed securities to get bailed out? Fucking up the ecosystem with utter impunity?

11:00 How Political Correctness is Harming America’s Military – Marshall Ballroom
Elaine Donnelly, Center for Military Readiness CONFIRMED Ilario Pantano, former Marine and author of Warlord: No Better Friend, CONFIRMED No Worse Enemy

Oh here we go again. More pissing and moaning about the repeal of DADT. I wonder if GOProud will attend that panel?

11:00 Iranium – Citizens United’s CPAC Theater – Delaware Ballroom
Presented by Clarion Fund (1 hour) Explores the dangers posed to the United States and the international community by a nuclear Iran; Followed by Q & A on Iranium.

Iranium! Isn't that clever? Yep, nothing sells like fear, however unfounded and unsupported by intelligence assessments.

1:00 Reagan at 100: Role Model for the Next Generation – Marriott Ballroom
Paul Kengor, author of God and Reagan CONFIRMED
Mark Joseph, producer of Reagan CONFIRMED
Brodi Conover, Reagan Centennial Youth Committee CONFIRMED
Craig Shirley, author of Rendezvous with Destiny CONFIRMED

A role model for the next generation of hypocrites, or how a former liberal Democrat who was the president of a large union became a rock-ribbed, union-busting Republican when it became politically expedient, someone who railed against “socialized medicine” then became a beneficiary of it from 1981 until his death.

Yeah, they sure know how to pick their role models, don’t they? I’m amazed there isn’t a scientific panel discussing ways to reanimate Reagan’s rotting corpse so they can trot him out in 2012.

Moderator: Kate Obenshain, Young America’s Foundation CONFIRMED
1:00 Rep. Steve King (IA) – Marshall Ballroom CONFIRMED
Introduction: Kayne Robinson, National Rifle Association CONFIRMED
1:00 Blogger Lunch with Citizens United Productions – Delaware Ballroom
President David N. Bossie & short video presentation: David v. Goliath: The One Year
Anniversary of Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission

What they seem to forget during their celebration of the SCOTUS selling our elections to the highest corporate bidder is that when the GOP falls out of favor with corporations, they’ll inevitably start flooding the Democrats with their billions.

1:00 Hon. Newt Gingrich – American Solutions Booth
Book Signing – To Save America: Stopping Obama's Secular-Socialist Machine; Valley Forge:
George Washington and the Crucible of Victory, among other titles.

The book title says it all. The Wall Street-coddling, corporate-friendly Obama is a secular Socialist. Right. I suppose next you’ll be telling me he’s Muslim and was actually born in Kenya and… oh, wait…

1:15 Policy Recommendations for Real Immigration Reform – Marshall Ballroom
Secretary of State Kris Kobach (KS) CONFIRMED
Jayne Cannava, Pro-English CONFIRMED
Dino Teppara, Indian American Conservative Council CONFIRMED

Conservative Indians?! Is there actually any such thing? What are they going to arrive in, a Miata?

Moderator: Mark Krikorian, Center for Immigration Studies CONFIRMED
2:00 Hon. Rick Santorum – Marriott Ballroom CONFIRMEDIntroduction: Foster Friess, Jackson, WY CONFIRMED 2:00 America At Risk: The War With No Name – Citizens United’s CPAC Theater – Delaware Ballroom Live introduction by co‐hosts Newt and Callista Gingrich (1.5 hours)

“Getcher fear right here, get it while it’s hot!”

2:30 Traditional Marriage and Society – Marriott Ballroom
Tom Minnery, CitizenLink CONFIRMED
Bishop Harry Jackson, Hope Christian Church CONFIRMED
Michel Faulkner, author of Restoring the American Dream INVITED
Moderator: Carrie Lukas, author of The Politically Incorrect Guide to CONFIRMED

“Getcher fear of the teh gays right here, get it while it’s hot!”

3:00 Your Guy Won. So What? Holding Conservatives’ Feet to the Fire – Wilson AB
Sponsored by the Leadership Institute

Note no one from the mainstream media will be at that one.

4:00 Two-Minute Activists – Marshall Ballroom
Ryan Hecker, Houston Tea Party Society CONFIRMED
Ana Puig, Kitchen Table Patriots CONFIRMED
Deneen Borelli, Project 21 CONFIRMED
Catherine Engelbrecht, King Street Patriots CONFIRMED
Burnell Bailey, ME CONFIRMED
Darcy VanOrden, UT CONFIRMED
Katie Kieffer, Blogger CONFIRMED

More like the Two Minutes Hate.

Moderator: Amy Frederick, 60 Plus Association CONFIRMED
4:00 Presentation of Defender of the Constitution Award – Marriott Ballroom
Presenter: Brad O’Leary and David A. Keene
Recipient: Hon. Donald Rumsfeld CONFIRMED

This Bizarro World. In Bizarro World, Donald Rumsfeld get Defender of Constitution Award. In Bizarro World, Obama also get Nobel Peace Prize and Paul Bremer get Preznitdential Medal of Freedom Award.

6:30 C4L Reception w/ Ron Paul & Rand Paul – Wilson AB
Sponsored by Campaign for Liberty (1.5 hours)
Appetizers and Open Bar
Open to Campaign for Liberty Sponsors Only
7:00 Perfect Valor – Citizens United’s CPAC Theater – Delaware Ballroom
A patriotic salute to Iraq war heroes, narrated by Sen. Fred Thompson (1.5 hours)

If you fought in Afghanistan, meh. Fuck you. But if you fought in Iraq without adequate armor, got wounded and flown to a slum named Walter Reed then was blamed for your nightmarish living conditions, we salute you! That is, if we can keep Fred awake long enough.

9:00 Rediscovering God In America I & II – Citizens United’s CPAC Theater – Delaware Ballroom
Citizens United Productions’ Double Feature

I already rediscovered God. I found him loitering at the AF Academy at Colorado Springs.

9:30 The Left’s Campaign to Reshape the Judiciary – Marshall Ballroom
Dan Pero, American Justice Partnership CONFIRMED
Timothy Lee, Center for Individual Freedom CONFIRMED
Ken Klukowski, American Civil Rights Union CONFIRMED
Moderator: Kelly Shackelford, Liberty Institute CONFIR

Oh, yes. Liberal judicial activists. Not to be confused with neoconservative judicial activists who elect presidents through conflict of interest, get involved in the 2nd Amendment and sell our electoral system to the corporations with the most cash.

There’s 11 more pages of this shit but I’m sure you get the message by now. This is going to be just another fear fest starring the usual suspects, crooks, liars, psychopaths, bigots and hypocrites. If you live in the DC/Virginia area, be somewhere else that weekend in case crazy got communicable.
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Blogger Southern Beale said...
Wait I thought all the Kewl Kids were boycotting CPAC because of the participation of a quasi-pro-gay conservative group? Well, they're pro-gay but they TOTALLY hate gay marriage and gay adoptions and other icky gay stuff but they're PRO GAY and that has a bunch of people really teed off!

Blogger Pangolin said...
Remember, the essence of being a conservative is magical thinking. They actually believe that they can remake reality by repeating their bullshit long enough and load enough.

If you see a conservative having a tantrum it's usually because physical reality refuses to cooperate with their mental construct. Which is why they cling to their guns.

Ultimately they KNOW that their arguments can't stand on logic and facts. So they threaten to kill people who disagree with them.

Blogger jurassicpork said...
Pangolin: Very succinctly said. Thank you.

"And then... a miracle occurs."