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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Clairvoyance of The Onion
Posted by Jill | 6:45 AM
Eight years ago, on January 17, 2001, The Onion posted arguably the greatest -- and in retrospect, eeriest -- snark ever posted to Teh Intartoobz:
Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

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4 Comments:
Blogger merlallen said...
i printed it out and kept a copy
1/20/09, 7:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

Ah, lips-smacking tragedy, scrumptious hell on earth. Only Fox News is funnier than the Onion.
1/20/09, 10:38 AM  
Blogger J said...
Oh crap, that's hilarious.
1/20/09, 2:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
merlallen, I still print that out and pass it around. Some people are stunned. Some don't believe the date is real. But I read it then and I still read it from time to time. Somebody knew what was coming.

mikefromtexas
1/20/09, 5:18 PM  
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