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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown

Sadly, even nerdy love dolls are subject to TSA patdowns.

This weekend, millions of American passengers will be flying all over the country for Thanksgiving in the midst of the TSA controversy over "enhanced patdowns" and X-ray screening. Last week alone, 170,000 passengers had been subjected to what many consider intrusive searches, possibly by homosexual TSA officials. The Transportation Security Administration is struggling to find a balance between safety in the skies and personal privacy, yet there are some measures you can take to prevent both an X-ray screening and a groping of your genitals. What are they?

  • 10) Say in a pronounced lisp to a male inspector, "Say, sailor, you might want to get a second guy over here to help save time. There's a lot to cover."

  • 9) "Say, that scanner's not gonna pick up my crabs, is it?"

  • 8) "I think this might be a good time to warn you I'm seeing a sexologist for premature ejaculation."

  • 7) Have a fake ID ready identifying you as Ted Haggard.

  • 6) Spend 100 hours in a tanning booth the week before your flight and say you're Rep. John Boehner.

  • 5) If you're a woman, apologize for smelling like Rosie O'Donnell.

  • 4) Loudly announce to the TSA agent, "I'm just seeing someone off. This is the closest thing I've had to a sex life since the AIDS clinic."

  • 3) Moan, breathe heavy and insist that the airport play "Bolero" over the PA system.

  • 2) Claim that the Viagra and Oxycontin in your carry-on actually belongs to Rush Limbaugh and that you're his drug mule.

  • 1) Mention that your biggest sexual fetish is latex and sadistic, minimum wage-earning losers in blue uniforms.
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    Anonymous mandt said...
    # Loudly announce to the TSA agent, "I'm just seeing someone off. This is the closest thing I've had to a sex life since the AIDS clinic."
    Jesus Fucking Christ...this is so not funny. Jerk! shame on you..

    Blogger Dusty Crickets said...
    "There is nothing more provocative than minding your own business"
    — William S. Burroughs (The Place of Dead Roads: A Novel)