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Thursday, June 02, 2011

Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II

Harry Camping's very believable and credible threat that the world would begin to end and the Rapture would occur on May 21st didn't materialize, to the surprise and even disappointment of millions of evangelicals. Bewildered and eager to save face, the Family Radio Network's Camping and his $18,400,000 in donations last year disappeared and reemerged days later to say that he'd, once again, made a miscalculation. Now Camping is saying that May 21st was the day God completed his list of who's naughty or nice and the world will indeed end on October 21st. So how are evangelicals preparing for the second Rapture of the year?

  • 10) If second Rapture fails, to nervously laugh to ex-bosses, psychiatrists and creditors that they were in on the hoax all along and were satirizing Camping.

  • 9) Giving Camping perhaps only half of life savings and kids' college funds as an initial down payment next time around.

  • 8) Job creators will no longer tell employees they will be on their own so they can have sex orgies in the break room.

  • 7) To maybe not boast next time to their HMO, "Go fuck yourselves. I got a better health care plan!"

  • 6) To keep tending their gardens and yards because dandelions get so out of control so quickly.

  • 5) Vetting Camping by actually reading the Bible this time and noting there's no mention of a fucking Rapture in the Revelations of St. John the Divine.

  • 4) Change the litter box. Seriously. Just trust us on this one.

  • 3) Getting a second opinion from other senile non-ministers or theological amateurs who've already lived 15 years past the average life expectancy.

  • 2) Investing in anti-gravity boots to help speed things along.

  • 1) As a backup plan, donating campaign contributions with last of savings to the Republican Party to finish the job in case Camping's wrong about Armageddon again.
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    Blogger Nameless Cynic said...
    noting there's no mention of a fucking Rapture in the Revelations of St. John the Divine.

    Well, that part's true. But if you go to 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17, you end up with

    For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

    The whole scam started in the 17th century with Increase Mather and his son Cotton (because the Puritans had the coolest names), if you're curious.