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Monday, August 11, 2008

Lowered Expectations
Posted by jurassicpork | 8:50 PM

Did you all know that, like Teh General, Pottersville has its own dating service and that it’s free? It’s true! And, ladies, have I got a guy for you!

He’s conservative, great-looking in a vulnerable, ambiguously Brokeback Mountain sort of way and, best of all, he’s a college boy whose father Bob is in the US House of Representatives and is on the fast track to the US Senate! Say hello to Justin Schaffer, the future of America!

Justin’s original Facebook page, which contained some heartwarmingly nostalgic notions about race and gender relations, has been preserved in all its glory on a mirror site so this humble son of Republican America wouldn’t take it down in deference to his ambitious but equally humble father Bob.

Here’s a brief sample of the admirable political activism of Justin Schaffer:







Ah, ha ha ha! And people wonder where all those hilarious young Republican comedians come from! And, finally, not to be outdone by The manly General, there’s this take on Republican Jesus:



Now, lest you liberal ladies out there think that young Justin’s head is good only for stockpiling product, guess again. It ought to be noted that in addition to his college studies, Justin’s also a member of ROTC whose Facebook nickname is “Cap'n Bootyplunder”, no doubt a moniker that’ll be kept when he finally gets that coveted little gold bar on his epaulets. Until recently, Justin was also a proud member of “Pole Dancers For Jesus” and still belongs to “Hey, My Name’s Justin”, a thriving Facebook forum devoted to other young conservative McCain supporters who share his first name.

With typical Republican fairness and balance, Justin also, despite his hilarious anti-Obama, anti-black polemics, features a paid ad for Obama buttons on the top leftist side of his page. Republican principles be damned, this is money we’re talking about, meaning he’ll be a great provider, ladies!

Ah, but the apple never falls far from the tree as dear ole Dad can and has added to his Senatorial resume, “Supported America’s removal of Saddam Hussein in the war against radical totalitarian Jihadism. (H.J.Res. 64, RC Vote #342, 9/14/01; H.J.Res. 114, RC Vote #455, 10/10/02).” All of which being votes that, no doubt, will pay dividends as soon as we find those darned elusive Hussein/al Qaeda connections, weapons of mass destruction and some tangible evidence of Saddam making jihadist threats against America.

So who wants to be the one to pop this concupiscent conservative’s Republican-red cherry?
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