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Monday, March 17, 2008

Seek With the Google and Ye Shall Find
Posted by jurassicpork | 11:39 PM

Not all that glitters is gold.

I like to get hits wherever I can find them, especially since my hit count has gone the way of the September 1978 Red Sox. However, you have to wonder why God created silicon when… Well, have any of you bloggers ever taken the time to discover what search phrases are being used to get to your political blog over which you sacrifice blood sweat and tears at the expense of family, sleep before work and even sex? The results are far from encouraging and, unless you have a caste iron stomach, I would discourage any similar research in your own stats checkers. I have no life, therefore I am a masochist.

The only good thing that I see in these search phrases, if it can be considered good, is that I get an eclectic variety of visitors. What you see is a random sampling of some of the most bizarre search phrases used to find Pottersville from today back to late December. I swear I did not make up any of these.

I get those merry, holly-jolly seasonal holiday-lovers who are always mindful of the upcoming festivities:
st patrick's pussy (I believe he was looking for St. Patricia, patron saint of Monologues.)
Irish dick
leprechaun sex
"conservative christmas"
gift ideas for last day of work (Oh, man. A computer virus? A call to the EPA, OSHA, INS and ICE? The possibilities are endless.)

Then there’s the Chuck Norris faithful:
400 facts about chuck norris
chuck norris murdered (Uh, make it 399 facts.)
Why is chuck norris an asshole
chuck norris is an asshole
"The Truth About Chuck Norris" wikipedia (Yes, someone devoted an entire wikipedia to this aging, henna-dyed clown. It‘s called Chuckipedia.)

Of course, it stands to reason that I get hits from angry liberals, such as this one from someone who is obviously a black Ohio voter:
mia smiles and ruth blackwell fucks black cock
Hey Evangelical hillbillies school prayer don't belong in public schools stupid crackers.
Does Rush have a crush on Maureen Dowd? (Why can‘t I get Fatty Arbuckle out of my mind, now?)
melanie morgan collagen (Your secret’s safe with me, Mel.)
10.Dick Cheney mugged,anally assaulted,and found GUILTY of crimes against humanity (Sigh…)
bill clinton blackwater (Obviously, this person is color-blind, as we thought Bubba himself was until the 2008 presidential campaign.)
Since this is my governor, I have to point out a couple of things: Unlike Republicans who bash gays and then solicit gay sex, Spitzer supports gay rights but en (Man, would I love to know what the rest of that sentence would’ve read.).

There’s the blue-white Caucasian enquiries, the first three from today:
first nigger to play major league baseball (A month late for Black History Month but he still gets whitey points for trying to educate himself)
those niggers got paid off (Perhaps, but I get the feeling they were paid in watermelon rinds.)
what happen to martin luther king when he was 6 years old (Ask Bob Herbert.)
pornstar scandal nigger (In that order?)

There’s the superstitious and the calendar-challenged:
the ides of march 17
what's supposed to happen on the ides of march (Well, it certainly didn’t augur well for Julius Caesar, so you, too, will be stabbed to death in the Senate. Sorry.)

Then there are my faithful Fox News mavens:
truth and beauty anne coulter (Ah, yes. One of Keats’ greatest poems: Ode to a Douchebag.)
fox news is great journalism (Sieg heil! Sorry, I mean, Right.)
Where's Obama's biological father?
is frank rich a jew faggot? (Funny, weren't those last two Neil Cavuto’s well-meaning questions from tonight?)
Fox news is fair and balanced

Then, there’s the randy, red-blooded American psychos:
This amazing looking brazilian babe didnt expect to even get naked on camera, let alone take a thick hard cock deep inside her tight little asshole. It really didn’t (Rumor has it this was the abandoned opening line of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina.)
www. gay red dick
roger red dick (American cinema trivia: These were actually the two working titles for Samuel Fuller’s The Big Red One.)
suck my big organ (Seriously, what did this fucking bozo expect to find on my blog? A forgotten blowjob? A picture of someone trying to swallow his Hammond whole?)
where is my trickle (I dunno. Have you had a prostate exam, lately?)
who needs a spanking
cleanest voted pussy
amman pussy
adult sex iran (I thought the two were mutually exclusive.)

Then I’m honored by visits from former Congressman Mark Foley, former Spokane Mayor Jim West and other Republicans.
i love to suck dick (Uh… Thanks… for the trust…?)
cute little 6 year old girls (OK, harmless enough, you might say. It gets better. Or worse.)
can a 6 yr old be a child molester
pics of six year olds getting fucked
six year old girls getting fucked (Man, did Bob Herbert’s article disappoint them, huh?)
12 years old girl fuck
pictures of 12 year old boy shoves snake in a 17 year olds mouth
8 year old grabs older woman's ass
why do dad like to have sex with their 9 year olds
girls that will have sex with 11 year olds boys wed site (Wed site? That would make for a helluva wedding album.)
13 year olds getting there tits out
girls touching bobs and tits (I'll bet ole Bob was disappointed when he found out they didn't touch him, after all.)
gay tales old man

Naturally, I get a high percentage of female readers, including the occasional misandrist:
how do i pussy whip my man?
how to pussy whip a man (Answer to both: Set up an escort service within 1000 miles of Albany.)
tell me how i would know if i was a battered women? with references (Well, the bruises and broken bones are a dead giveaway…)

On the flip side, I get the misogynist traffic, including dyslexic vowelaphobes:
FOTRY YEARS OLD WOMEN GRT FUCKED
anne kornblut cunt
Maureen Dowd and cunt
tammy bruce cunt
free merrin women can fuck for free

Then there are the scariest ones, the ones that have no clear agenda, defy categorization and reasons for their conception:
potato head murder
have chain letters made anybody rich (There’s only one way to find out: Ask 20 strangers, get them to send you money or your children will DIE!)
san diego department of veteran affairs and nepotism (San Diego has such a department? Oh, yes, I remember. The mayor’s nephew was named the Director.)
bussey fuck (Yeah, I always like to edify myself looking for articles about puffy, bug-eyed, platinum blonde has-beens getting laid, too.)
Purple mother fucker (Obviously a Barney fan.)
what kind of job for kid that for 6-10 year old (Someone from the Commonwealth of the Northern Marianas Islands, maybe?)
finest middle sized tits in the world
scary things that could scare little kids (A Halloween search phrase? Nope. This one comes from December 21st, which makes me wonder what Christmas morning was like in that household.)
republicans mascot reason (Karnak rips opens envelope: “Which has more common sense, a Republican or an elephant?”)
kennedy dwarf 7 year old girl (I’m at a loss to understand how such a bizarre juxtaposition could result in even one hit. I confess that I’m not man enough to find out.)

And the prize for the three most hair-raising search phrases ever used to find Welcome to Pottersville:
info for 9 year olds who want to become a lawyer
can I become a teacher with an arrest record
senior citizens having sexual parties
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1 Comments:
Blogger Maggie Jochild said...
Yeah, it's depressing. But even when the search terms aren't a smorgasbord of hate and porn-seeking, I'm amazed at what people will click over to. I mean, I'm much more picky about my Google choices than they seem to be.

One possible clarification re the "last day of work" search: There's a prominent computer game company called Last Day of Work, which makes wonderful games that are, in their own way, very progressive. (I play several of them.) So maybe that's what s/he was hoping to find.
3/18/08, 3:10 AM  
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