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Saturday, January 14, 2012

It's Jesusmania Night!
Posted by Jill | 2:23 PM
Can you smell the Te-mentum? Tonight is the big night, when Captain America goes up against the Second Coming of the Baby Jesus in a no-holds-barred steel cage match at Corporate Shill Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts, just outside the Birthplace of the American Revolution, where our Founding Fathers, evangelical Christians all, set forth a new kind of country, one steeped in superstition, mandatory religious worship of one particular flavor, to be done as flamboyantly and in-your-face as possible.

Wait. You mean they didn't?

Here at Casa la Brilliant, it's FOOTBALL!!! this weekend, what with the Battle for America's Soul And Tim Tebow's Endorsement Value going on tonight amidst the cacophony of B.J. Raji, Green Bay nose tackle, Famous Local Kid Who Isn't James O'Keefe, and presumed financier of one Giant Bigass House to replace his childhood home on a through street barely a stones throw from Casa la Brilliant itself, trash-talking our own Giants, who go up against the Packers at Lambeau Field tomorrow.

Poor Eli Manning can't seem to get a break, this soft-spoken guy who looks like the Head Projector Geek on the high school Audio/Visual Squad and has played in the shadow of his now-injured and possible next-Jets-quarterback brother. The Giants haven't been great this year, but they're here -- in the second round of the playoffs, and hey, you never know.

And that's precisely the problem. The line on tonight's game is New England by 13-1/2, but if by some chance Denver does win, the 43 percent of people polled who think that the Great White Alpha Male in the Sky is personally coaching the Denver Broncos are going to believe their delusion has been vindicated, and they'll become even more insufferable than they are now. And that's not taking into account that there are actually people who believe that Tebow is the literal Second Coming. And there, my friends, is the problem with Tim Tebow. It isn't that he has strong religious beliefs, though why he feels he has to constantly and publicly trumpet them is a mystery to me. It's that his willingness to go along with such nonsense, instead of having the humility to tell these nimrods that his life is about proving worthy to his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, not claiming that he IS Jesus Christ, and that they should knock it off already, shows me that all this humility crap is just that -- crap.

But between Juicebox Jesus (™ Tbogg) and Rick Santorum, the U.S. is starting to look less like the beacon for the world, and more like some strange, backward third-world country where they worship fiddler crabs and lob coconuts at anyone who invades their land.

SUNDAY MORNING UPDATE: Heh.

This calls for a song:


This too.

And this.

And let's not forget this.

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6 Comments:
Blogger Ahab said...
How do you think Tebow's fans will react upon discovering that he has feet of clay? What will happen if he's embroiled in a scandal, for instance?
1/14/12, 5:11 PM  
Blogger Nan said...
NE 45, Denver 10. Does that make Tom Brady the anti-Christ?
1/15/12, 7:39 AM  
Blogger skywind said...
The New Orleans/San Francisco game was much more exciting. I can't believe I just said that.
1/15/12, 9:09 AM  
Blogger jurassicpork said...
My face hurts. I haven't stopped smiling since last night.
1/15/12, 10:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Many years ago there was a joke about a hockey fan who died and went to heaven. After expressing his interest in hockey he was taken to a giant rink with lots of skaters warming up for a practice (or maybe a game). Prominent among them was a long haired, bearded guy in a Boston shirt with number 4 on it.

"Who's that?", he asked.

"Oh him!", sneered his guide. "That's Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Bobby Orr!"

Somehow, try as I might, I cannot see the joke working with a football Jesus thinking he's Tebow.
1/15/12, 10:53 AM  
Blogger Jill said...
Anon: There's a similar joke about college football, only it's God and Woody Hayes. :-)
1/15/12, 11:58 AM  
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